The last several days, the only thing on my mind has been this surgery. I am looking forward to having it done, and having my life back (eventually) without pain, locking and all those "good" things that have been a part of my life since I first wrenched this ankle.
But then, there have been those moments when I panic. I freak about trying to "keep it together" (after all - its going to be one of my children taking me and sitting with me through this - not my husband), about trying to make this a learning experience for my children...and mostly - about anesthesia.
Quite frankly - I don't like it. I mean - yes, it has its place and it is good - but personally - I guess I just don't like giving away ALL control. And it scares me - just the whole idea of a drug that can not just knock me out for an undetermined amount of time - but also keep me from feeling anything, or remembering things....just freaky in my book....
Today our minister emailed me about something else entirely. At the end of the email he wished me luck for tomorrow and said he would be praying for me. He then asked if he could send a prayer request to our congregation. I told him that I was sending my own prayer request email out to my circle of friends who believe and that more prayers could only help. Shortly after that I received a copy of the email he sent out - and within a half an hour, one friend from church emailed me with good luck wishes and that she would be praying for me.
I started to feed, water and clean our companion parrots and as I did so, I started talking to myself and to God....I've had all of two surgeries in my life. One - twenty years ago, repaired tendon damage in my wrist. The other, twelve years ago, removed an ovary - and because of some pre-testing - there was fear of ovarian cancer. I had local anesthesia for the wrist and general for the ovary. These were two very different surgeries with two different attitudes - but both with good outcomes. I realized that 20 years ago, I was looking forward to that surgery, much as I am looking forward to this one. I wasn't nervous - just anxious to get it fixed and get on with life. Twelve years ago, I was freaking out at the possibility of cancer and the general anesthesia was just the icing on the cake. As I spoke with God and myself - I realized - there is little difference between my wrist and my ankle surgeries and a world of difference between my ankle and my ovary.
And it was after that - after that prayer request went out and I had that talk with myself and with God - that there was a change in my attitude. I'm much calmer about the whole thing.
Now don't get me wrong - the idea of general anesthesia still freaks me out - but I'm calm.
I've done to food shopping so there is food when I come home and I don't have to depend on hubby or the kids to shop - just cook....wash is done, I even bought myself a new pillow to cushion my head, back or ankle as I recuperate on the couch...
I called the hospital. I have to be there at 10:15 and surgery is scheduled for 12:15....
So now , the countdown is hours - not days.
We'll leave the house in about 12 hours....be at the hospital in about 13 and surgery will begin in about 15 hours.
I have three hours to eat, drink and be merry...
Oh yes - and today I danced. On the new wood floor - I danced. I danced to Michael Buble', I danced to Billy Joel, to KD Lang, to Billy Porter, to Charlotte Martin and more. I was breathless at times...but always I was breath-taking.
And yes, my ankle hurts.
But I danced - for the joy of the dance - and for my love of the dance.
Today - I danced.
Tomorrow - I'll dream of dancing again......
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